Have u ever wondered how anyone can be so willing to give just because they care for you? Love tells it all. Sometimes i really wish i could turn back time and not do the things i've did to hurt those people who really loved and cared for me.

Reminiscing the past, makes me feel like crap. How could i even bring myself to cheat on someone so dear to me? Now, regretting doesnt help in anything. All i can do now is really just to change and stick to 1.

The problem now is, i'm not even sure if this 1 will stick to 1. (if you get what i mean). Like, i'm seriously willing to be in a serious relationship but i have doubts. I don't want to get hurt. I seriously believe in Karma, so............ Damn, it's so freaking confusing. To put my whole heart into it, or not? I need assurance, but i dont seem to be getting any.

Sometimes being a flirt ain't that bad right? At least a player won't get hurt. And who doesn't hate getting their hearts broken? But at the same time, i'm a girl. being a player, the one who loses out is me. True?

My past relationship has taught me alot. I really need to listen to him and really cherish myself. But seriously, all i ever needed in a relationship for me to stay long is assurance. At the same time, i don't like that much of assurance. Contradicting, yes i know. I need challenges in a relationship but i hate the feeling. Wtf am i even thinking?! I guess i don't even know myself.

Maybe i'm not sure abt this relationship. He's not making me feel like staying. Because there are just too many fucking girls around him. (though their looks and boobs can't be compared to mine). LOL. but still, i feel so fucking insecured. I'm not trying to be a bitch by saying i'm pretty la.. Just that i feel, i look so much better. -.-

I'm affected by the things he does, All the phone calls when i'm around? talking like the sweetest person i've ever seen to girls on the line? How to not be affected? I'm supposed to be tolerating it because his job requires him to do this sorta "talking-sweetly-to-colleague-and-customer" thing. Seriously, i don't see a need to talk sweetly to his colleague what! customer still can understand. And sweetly means flirting?

What if i do the fucking same thing to him? He wont feel secured also what. It goes both ways, right? Maybe i should stop rejecting my ex's call when i'm with him. I should just FLIRT with whatever guys that call me. But still, im not that childish to be doing all of that la! I can always leave if i can't tolerate but i dont know, i somehow see this relationship working out well in the near future. "okay, i know i always feel this way.".

I just want to stop fucking changing partners all the time. I want to really find someone i can grow old with. "i know i'm only 21 but so what? I've seriously played enough, met my fair share of bastards and i'm seriously sick and tired of wanting to start a new relationship.".
Too early to be thinking of marriage? i dont think so.

I think i've blabbered enough for today.


XOXO,
The one who's feeling insecured.